It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
