WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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