I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
