Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
