She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
