her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i think i just lost a toe
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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