i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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