She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
