you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
COCAINE IS GR8
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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