Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
