Are we in a gay sports bar?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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