How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
