My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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