census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
