Plan B is the new Plan A
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
