If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
