I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
