I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
