I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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