Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
