Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
