Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
