you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
