we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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