My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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