forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
honey bunches of taint.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
