Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
