i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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