I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
