You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
