with your own penis?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just gargled with NyQuil
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
