All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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