Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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