Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
