i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
