1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
