a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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