Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
