My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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