you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You dont lie about slip and slides
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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