i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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