how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
