Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
