I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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