And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
