I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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