Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
