If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
