The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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