Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
