I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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