I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Im part way to drunk.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
