Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
