every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
