just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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