Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize
