There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
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It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
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That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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