Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
