I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
